I have had so many good things happen to me in the past two years. Yet still, I can't be happy about any of them. I am halfway through my graduate school program to become a Chiropractor; I got engaged to the man of my dreams; I got new friends that love me for me, not for the person they think I am; I got a promotion at my weekend job at a Walmart by my school; a lot of things good have happened in my life....yet I feel that I don't deserve them at all. I feel all I deserve in my life is misery. You see...my family can't seem to leave their drama to themselves. My mother has weazled her way back into my families lives and I seem to be the only one that knows she is a wolf in sheeps clothing. I was willing to see if she changed and turned a new leaf, but the first encounter I had with her after the family welcomed her back into their lives, I could tell she hadnt changed at all. It was still all about her, her job, her dogs, her feelings, her weight, her progress towards surgery to lose weight, her house. Her, her, her. I even tried to talk about myself and she interjected about herself. I even tried to talk about anything but surface stuff with her to get closure and i'm the bad guy who keeps dredging up the past. How can I possible just forgive and forget about the transgressions of a mother who had many boyfriends growing up and I knew EXACTLY what they were doing in her room at night; that was apparent by the many video's they sent her that I happened across. The mother who always put her platinum hair and $200 nails above my horseback riding lessons and clothes that I wanted for school? A mother that failed to pay the bills and I had to worry about electric and heat growing up because she couldnt hold down a job to save her life because she was always picking fights with her bosses. A mother who vindictively decided to not let me go to the school of my dreams because she was jealous that I got accepted into it and she didnt. A mother who blackmailed me into doing things I didnt want to do; hide secrets, not see family during holidays (even when we did go see them she ruined the holiday, so I quit caring). A mother who threatened to abduct her daughter from her college campus because she was mad I filed for independence and was putting myself through college because she wouldnt. A mother who claimed me ILLEGALLY on her income taxes for years and now forces her x-husband (whom she cheated on and I just found out recently) pay for it? A mother who attacked my friends on facebook for standing by me through my depression that was caused by her actions. A mother that embarrassed me at EVERY venue because she either was never satisfied with her food at resteraunts, wasnt happy with the seats we got at concerts or movies, or yelled at mothers of bullies who bothered me, which just made the situation worse. A mother who was absent when we moved into a house with a man I didnt know and left all my disciplining to him? A mother who HATED doing ANYTHING I liked to do. She hated my fandoms that I like (harry potter, narnia, twilight, hunger games) and my hobbies (horseback riding) and would take a pale skinned red head to the beach to burn instead of doing anything I wanted to do like have her watch me ride, or go see the twilight movies with me. Ken (my step dad) ended up taking me on more daughter father dates than she ever did mother daughter dates because she would only take me to the beach and I hated the beach. I'm a freaking red head, I can't be in the heat and sun. Duh. Common sense 101 please? Or how about a mother who, when told by her daughter that she almost killed herself when she was out of the house with the huge butcher knife in the kitchen and the ONLY thing that stopped me was my DOG? Not even a HUMAN to come to my rescue, but an animal that she never wanted!! Her response was "Sorry my good enough wasnt good enough for you". Really?? REALLY!?!?!? Let that sink in for a second. Let the fact that she HATED that I didnt want to go for music but Veterinary medicine sink in. The fact that she got mad I put myself through college because she could no longer dictate where I went and what I did. The fact that she got made when I got my own insurance and my own phone, and my own computer because she refused to support me when I went to live with my grandparents. We had moved to South Carolina, where every person hated me for being a yankee, every person told me everyday that they wanted me to go back where I came from. So I did. I went with my grandparents and the $200 a month that was agreed on slowly turned into $50. I had to get a job to pay for my medical bills for my dental bills because she outright refused to pay for them, cause ya know, genetic dental problems is definitely my fault right?
And now the last bit of information that makes forgiving her so hard. My birth father. My mother refuses to tell me who my birth father is. It took her till I was 14 (I think? It's hard to remember what age I was) to tell me how I was conceived and that she wanted to give me up for adoption until my pap prayed over me in the delivery room and she decided to keep me. Fun fact, she still blames him to this day for keeping me and she still to this day blames me for her being obese. She claims that she was raped; but given her track record of cheating and how many guys she fooled around with in college, I highly doubt this is the case. The current hypothesis is that she had a boyfriend at the time and she cheated on him because he wouldnt have sex with her, and to cover it up she said she was raped. Let me go into why this is the hypothesis. First off the boyfriend at the time contacted my family and told us that was why they broke up, because she was pregnant and it wasnt his so he knew she cheated. Second, my grandparents were gone the weekend I was conceived and when they came home she had no bruises, scars, or acted weird. They also had a family friend go over the house to check up on her and a car they didnt recognize was in the parking lot. So they didnt go in because they didnt know what was going on. Third, her story has changed so many times over the years that it's hard to believe she is actually telling the truth. Fourth, according to my grandparents when she told them she was pregnant she didnt start the conversation with "I was raped" it was after they accepted that she was pregnant and said that they could keep it and wanted to be grandparents that she said it, and then when they said they would press charges she outright refused. All of it leads me to believe she lied. I did research on the guy that the boyfriend at the time told me was my father and found him on facebook. I did have a conversation with him, and he never remembers anything like that happening, but I mean the man has a family, I don't know if I would admit to something like that either if I was him. But all leads send me back to him. My mother is no help, she told me to go fuck myself when I asked her for the information.
So please tell me how my family has any ground to stand on by telling me to let her back into my life "Give it to God and move on" "Love her dont scold her" "You're so unloving! You obviously arent a christian! We have all forgiven her! Why can't you?" BECAUSE I'M HER DAUGHTER!!! IT'S NOT MY JOB TO FORGIVE HER WITHOUT AN APOLOGY!! Why is that so hard for them to understand! The wounds hurt too deep! The person who was supposed to love, cherish and protect me was the one person who single handedly made me question integrity in people, made me learn to grow up too fast, made me have to support myself at an age that I shouldnt have had to, made me hate people, made me realize the world is a cruel and evil place very young, and who ultimately made me distrust anything anyone ever says about how I look. She would always make me feel terrible about myself, nothing was good enough, and nothing ever got her attention enough to get the love that I craved growing up. For my uncles and my grandmother maybe it's fine for them to pretend like nothing happened and just move on and pretend nothing ever happened, but for me....I don't feel I should have to just forget and put on a face to pretend things are ok. Children are supposed to make you better people, make you put yourself second, and put them first. A mother is supposed to love her child through everything, support them, and give them the love they need to love others through example. She did none of that, and if she wants back in my life it will be on my terms, and I don't see that as being mean, I see that as protecting myself.
I even told my family that I gave her 3 simple rules to follow and she told me I was an ungrateful selfish child. I will lay them out here 1) don't attack my friends on facebook because that is what got her blocked in the first place. 2) Don't look at my fiance, don't talk to my fiance, and don't friend request my fiance. I don't trust her not to attack him for something stupid. 3) take down the pictures she has of me on her facebook because all they were was a platform for people who don't know me to bash me on social media and make me look like the bad guy when they had no clue as to what actually transpired. She out right refused. Then I found out she cheated on my step dad with er (try to keep up) dead best friend's widow. That's right, she waited till her friend died and then moved in with the new widow, leaving her husband with a pile of debt, a ruined credit score, and leaving him with all the debt they owned the IRS for me pressing charges on them for claiming me illegally. I sincerely feel bad for Ken. I mean I did try to warn him she was crazy, but I did meet with him recently and he is doing well at least, but still...she ruined his credit, and bled his money well dry before up and leaving him for another guy. I called her out on facebook about it, and she apparently didnt like her dirty laundry being spread out for all her little friends to know so she blocked me. Which is fine, at least I got my point across.
I reiterate, how is she a healthy person to let in my life? I think I'll keep her at arms distance and pretend she never existed. And as much as I hate Kesha, her new song says perfectly what I'm trying to say in this long ass post.
Kesha-praying
Wednesday, August 15, 2018
Tuesday, August 14, 2018
Life is never perfect, but sometimes I wish it gave me grapes instead of lemons
It has been five years since my concussion. Four years since I got cleared. During that year period I gained about 40 pounds. I was already at the peak weight I wanted to be at when I got my concussion, which according to the national average I was still a tad underweight, but having an obese mother my whole life, I liked it that way. But when you're restricted to basic yoga and slow walking as your daily exercise when you're used to burning 5000 calories a day, I guess your body takes advantage of it. For four years now I have been trying to lose weight. It was so easy before. Restrict my diet for a week or two and kick my ass into gear and work out till I died everyday and I was back at what weight I wanted with all my muscle mass that I deemed to be good for horseback riding. Now, I look at my body and I hate what I see. I hate my stomach, the way my hair curls, I hate the fact that I'm too lazy now to get out of bed in the morning to straighten my hair. I hate that I wear above a size 6 pants. I hate that my boobs are a D cup now instead of a B cup. I hate that my thunder thighs are now more thunderous, and I hate HATE that I have lost practically all my muscle in my thighs, stomach, and upper arms. I used to be so muscular, lean; so lean that the doctors used to tell me that if I didnt gain body fat, vs just the weight I was gaining, I wouldnt be able to have kids. I didn't care though, I just wanted to ride and run and do band. Nothing else mattered. Now, I have been fighting a losing battle with the 40 odd pounds I want to lose. The doctors say I should only lose 25 to 35 pounds, but I want my size 2 body back. But it seems my body fights me at every corner. When I push as hard as I want, my heart murmur acts up, or I re-inure my knee, or I fall off jack and get sent to the hospital, putting my progress back even farther than it was before. I hate having to cut out everything that I love to eat and eat only salads and chicken every day of my life just to lose 5 pounds in 4 months. I have felt for a long time like something was wrong. What changed from then to now to make it so much harder to lose the weight I want to lose? I try my damnest and nothing happens. Not even a pound lost in a month when I am actually trying. So I FINALLY convinced a doctor to run my hormones, and it seems they are the key. I just hope that maybe, MAYBE my hormones being CRAZY out of whack is the reason that I am having such a hard time losing this weight. Time will tell I suppose.
Thursday, August 31, 2017
Days where the world could burn and you wouldnt care
You ever had one of those days where you just want the whole world to burn, including yourself? Where you literally have had the worst, shit day, with shit piling on top of more shit to where you just don't give a fuck anymore. Where you just want to sleep, but can't because all the things of your day spiral around in your head, making you go mad? Where you want just 1 fucking thing to go your way but it never does, and that just makes the day even worse? Well today has been one of those days for me. Some people just say it's waking up on the wrong side of the bed, but this feeling, its a feeling of hatred that cannot be thwarted. A hatred so deep it makes you push those that are closest to you away, as far away as possible, making yourself secluded, just like you feel you should. Because your day is so bad, that all you wanna do is be alone to think about how the day could have been better, hide from the world because the world is a horrible, cruel, evil place that only lives to torment you. Yeah....I've had that day.
Started with a busy day at work, where nothing got done that I wanted to get done. Having to deal with needy people who are also probably having shit days, but decide to take it out on you. Trying to be strong for everyone else at my work because the boss relies on you to be good at your job. But I got hurt the other day, and moving as quickly as I normally do hurts like a bitch, but you can't dare say that, you would look like a pansy. I was also running on little sleep, and lots of coffee, sleep was non existent last night, tossing and turning in my sleep from night mares i couldnt shake. They make me feel weak, these nightmares, I hate them so much. I can't go see my horse because I am hurt, and I know myself too well to know that if i go see him, I will want to ride him, and I cant. I have no money left except for gas, and that I still need to borrow money, that makes me feel inadequate and stupid for not saving my money more wisely, but unforseen car breaks made me spend it when i wasnt planning. Then I get home, and see an opportunity to turn my day around, but it does just the opposite. It enrages me, makes me hate life even more, makes me hate myself, and the world, and makes me want everything around me to just leave me be, because apparently nothing can turn my day around. Nothing can make my day better, nothing can make this hatred go away.
Then I am left alone, and I don't want to move, I don't want to think, but of course being human our minds wander. My family...what as sore subject, they always creep into my mind at the worst times. Do I miss them? I suppose not...do I hate that I don't have relations with them? Yes...even though it is their own fault for that. Then my mind wanders to all the people in my life that used to be my friends and arent anymore...I wonder what I did to make them all hate me so much...I can understand them hating me now, life has mutilated who I once used to be. A happy go lucky girl that was so optimistic, pessimists were turned around from their ways. I was great at everything I did, I was the friend to those that needed me most, I was devout, I was kind, compassionate, and caring. I bent over backwards for people. I did everything I could to always help. But the more I grew up, the more I saw those around me using me for my kindness....I saw those around me seeing me as the easy prey, the easy target for jokes, for money. A girl that they could use to get over their past girlfriends and then ditch because I was so nice I didn't care.
Then I think of my one light in my darkness...my Fiance. I think of how he isnt getting the girl that I used to be, the girl that was so caring, gentle, kind, devout. But a mangled mess of what used to be. A distorted version of myself that I barely recognize in the mirror. A version of myself that is vengeful, mean, spiteful, angry, hateful, fat, ugly, and not just ugly on the outside. A woman who questions if God even cares about me anymore, because how can he care about someone he has dealt such a bad hand to? How can he still care about me when I feel as though all I do is suffer and sacrifice for any gain I have ever found in my life. I honestly don't know how or why Trevor is still in my life, I don't deserve his love. I can't even love myself 9 times out of 10. But if it wasnt for him entering my life and showing me what real love was, I would not have made the leaps I made in life, or been brave enough to stand up for myself against my family. I would not have gone to Chiropractic school, I would not have had any reason to live if not for him. I was on my last leg when I found him...or I guess...when he found me. I had given up on anything remotely close to what I have now. I never even thought it possible. I was complacent with dying if that was in the cards for me back then.
But I push, and push, and push. These days, they make me hate myself, life, and the world. They make me hate God for making me this angry person, for bestowing upon me all these strong emotions that I deal with on a daily basis, makes me hate being myself because a lot of times, myself is a very ugly monster that tries her best to put on a good show. I honestly don't know what he sees in me...but he tries so hard to make me see, I just don't see anything but a fat, ugly bitch that is slowly being filled with more hatred because my family keeps rearing their ugly head and wont just leave things be, and when days, such as today, where nothing has gone my way, even the gas prices, or even making food that I wanted to make do; I just want to hide from the world, and pretend that nothing but my happy place exists, because my happy place is much better than my dreams, or reality.
Started with a busy day at work, where nothing got done that I wanted to get done. Having to deal with needy people who are also probably having shit days, but decide to take it out on you. Trying to be strong for everyone else at my work because the boss relies on you to be good at your job. But I got hurt the other day, and moving as quickly as I normally do hurts like a bitch, but you can't dare say that, you would look like a pansy. I was also running on little sleep, and lots of coffee, sleep was non existent last night, tossing and turning in my sleep from night mares i couldnt shake. They make me feel weak, these nightmares, I hate them so much. I can't go see my horse because I am hurt, and I know myself too well to know that if i go see him, I will want to ride him, and I cant. I have no money left except for gas, and that I still need to borrow money, that makes me feel inadequate and stupid for not saving my money more wisely, but unforseen car breaks made me spend it when i wasnt planning. Then I get home, and see an opportunity to turn my day around, but it does just the opposite. It enrages me, makes me hate life even more, makes me hate myself, and the world, and makes me want everything around me to just leave me be, because apparently nothing can turn my day around. Nothing can make my day better, nothing can make this hatred go away.
Then I am left alone, and I don't want to move, I don't want to think, but of course being human our minds wander. My family...what as sore subject, they always creep into my mind at the worst times. Do I miss them? I suppose not...do I hate that I don't have relations with them? Yes...even though it is their own fault for that. Then my mind wanders to all the people in my life that used to be my friends and arent anymore...I wonder what I did to make them all hate me so much...I can understand them hating me now, life has mutilated who I once used to be. A happy go lucky girl that was so optimistic, pessimists were turned around from their ways. I was great at everything I did, I was the friend to those that needed me most, I was devout, I was kind, compassionate, and caring. I bent over backwards for people. I did everything I could to always help. But the more I grew up, the more I saw those around me using me for my kindness....I saw those around me seeing me as the easy prey, the easy target for jokes, for money. A girl that they could use to get over their past girlfriends and then ditch because I was so nice I didn't care.
Then I think of my one light in my darkness...my Fiance. I think of how he isnt getting the girl that I used to be, the girl that was so caring, gentle, kind, devout. But a mangled mess of what used to be. A distorted version of myself that I barely recognize in the mirror. A version of myself that is vengeful, mean, spiteful, angry, hateful, fat, ugly, and not just ugly on the outside. A woman who questions if God even cares about me anymore, because how can he care about someone he has dealt such a bad hand to? How can he still care about me when I feel as though all I do is suffer and sacrifice for any gain I have ever found in my life. I honestly don't know how or why Trevor is still in my life, I don't deserve his love. I can't even love myself 9 times out of 10. But if it wasnt for him entering my life and showing me what real love was, I would not have made the leaps I made in life, or been brave enough to stand up for myself against my family. I would not have gone to Chiropractic school, I would not have had any reason to live if not for him. I was on my last leg when I found him...or I guess...when he found me. I had given up on anything remotely close to what I have now. I never even thought it possible. I was complacent with dying if that was in the cards for me back then.
But I push, and push, and push. These days, they make me hate myself, life, and the world. They make me hate God for making me this angry person, for bestowing upon me all these strong emotions that I deal with on a daily basis, makes me hate being myself because a lot of times, myself is a very ugly monster that tries her best to put on a good show. I honestly don't know what he sees in me...but he tries so hard to make me see, I just don't see anything but a fat, ugly bitch that is slowly being filled with more hatred because my family keeps rearing their ugly head and wont just leave things be, and when days, such as today, where nothing has gone my way, even the gas prices, or even making food that I wanted to make do; I just want to hide from the world, and pretend that nothing but my happy place exists, because my happy place is much better than my dreams, or reality.
Wednesday, August 2, 2017
Living with GAD
GAD.
The beast in my soul that won't leave me alone. It gnaws at me to listen to it's whispering voice all day, saying the things that others can easily ignore, but in my brain so loud and clear. It's voice so silky smooth that it seems so innocent at the time, then as you listen in, and perk an ear, it becomes a tornado that you quickly regret even acknowledging. You spiral down, down into the depths of the worry, anxiety, and panic until it eats you alive. Consumes your every thought, and the anxiety is so loud you can't hear anything else. People think you are rude, but really you're just caught in your own head. Listening to the thoughts that no one else can hear but are always looming over the horizon. Then you worry about worrying, wondering if your worry is even valid, wondering if others feel it too, then the monster isolates you, singles you out, makes you feel as though no one else in the world can understand you. He ruins your friendships, your relationships. You lash out, trying to not only protect yourself from others judging you, but to protect others from the beast that dwells within, not wanting it to cause more harm that he has already started to cause. You want to reach out, you want to talk, but to even put into words what you are thinking and feeling...there are not enough or even words that exist in any language to describe how you feel, sometimes you don't even know how you feel, so how the hell should I describe it? I know i'm not rational, I know i'm crazy. But if I shove the crazy down hard enough, and force a smile, and cover up the monster with anger, jokes, or even overly expressive happiness, maybe he wont show his ugly face. He used to tell me to harm myself, cutting, eraser burning, you name it...he would tell me i'm not worth it, that i'm useless, that I will amount to nothing. But through love, God, counseling and friendships I have learned differently, I have learned that all of those thoughts about myself are wrong, and that even if I don't see it, others see potential in me.
So what is this monster that I speak of? Well, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, or GAD, is exactly what it sounds like. Worrying about everything, even things that are not a big deal. A normal day for me consists of worrying what people will think about my outfit, looking in the mirror, hating my body, thinking everyone at school will judge my pudgy belly, and just end up wearing baggy clothes to hide it all because I don't want to deal with the pain at that moment. After that I go to class, and worry that I wont retain the material in classes, but I worry so much I space out, I go to my own world, think about all the things I have to do with my day, worry about how I will get it all done, then start worrying about the worry that i'm feeling, trying to shove it down. Then I listen to the lecturer, try to take some notes, repeat...over, and over, and over again. GAD is hyper worrying about things that others worry about, but don't let effect them. And even if a person with GAD may look fine and well put together on the outside, doesnt mean there isnt a tornado spiraling in their head. GAD has a lot of physical symptoms. For me, if it's a bad week I can't eat, I will skip periods regularly because my body has so much cortisol that I suppress any estrogen in my system. I carry all my tension in my shoulders and clench my teeth, I fidget when i'm anxious, and it is hard for me to lose weight because of all the cortisol. Not to mention I crave chocolate like its my job. Symptoms are different for every person, and some GAD people have more outward symptoms. My outward symptoms are that I lash out at people when i'm having a bad day, and say things that I don't mean. I use my anger to cover up my anxiety, to push people away so that they won't worry about me, but instead end up isolating myself.
I also have depression, and Panic Attack Disorder....so my spiraling anxious thoughts will sometimes lead to intense panic attacks, night terrors, night sweats, and inability to stay concentrated. It wasnt always unmanageable like it is now. Before my concussion I could keep the beast locked away in the depths of my mind and keep him at bay, during and after my concussion it has been such a struggle. My family situation doesnt help that either, but that is a blog for another day if I ever get around to it. My only saving grace is my Fiance and his parents who took me in when I had to get out from the toxic home life that was my home for many years.
As it stands now I am getting better...I generally only have about 1 panic episode every couple of weeks to even a month, which is miles better than 6 panic attacks a day and losing 15 pounds in 2 weeks. Medication helps with the depression, but the depression is not the beast that causes the problems. My cycle is as such; I wake up and worry about what i'm going to worry about in my day before I even have anything to worry about, then I worry, and then worry about that worrying, and it builds up throughout my day until i'm so exhausted I just want to sleep. Being around people is exhausting because i'm not only paying attention to them, but also to the whispering in my ear that they are judging me, that i'm fat, that i'm not good enough to be my friend, and that eventually my GAD beast will show his face to them and they will hate me, or think i'm crazy. Then on weeks that are bad, I will have night terrors that stop me from sleeping, and eventually a panic attack, which then leads to the depression. But see, my monster is the anxiety, the constant worry of life, and don't even get me thinking about the future or a meltdown will happen. Some weeks I have no symptoms, and other weeks, like the last two, I have a ton.
People here are starting to get to know me well enough that they notice something is off about me...that makes me worry more. I start to think i'm losing control of the beast, that I won't be able to keep him tamed in public anymore. That his ugly face will ruin all I have worked towards. I strive to be better than him, or my family, who all are mentally unstable themselves. With a Borderline mother and a Histrionic grandmother who has made everyone in the immediate family codependent on her except for 1 uncle, I did not learn how to properly control my demons.
I am not writing this post for pity, or even for people to feel bad about me. Honestly, writing this post is causing anxiety in, and of, itself. But I am writing this in case someone happens upon it and understands what i'm going through, feels the same way. I want to tell you this: you are not alone, you are loved, and your beast can be controlled. With practice, time, and LOTS of patience from you and your loved ones, you can get through this. Surround yourself with people who care about you, and don't want to change you, but want to be a support for you to become who you are meant to be, a shining bright light in the pit of darkness that is your mind. To crawl out from the depths, and give you a helping hand to defeat your monsters when is necessary. People who will force you out of your room when you have locked yourself away in fear of harming someone else. People who will stare that beast in the face, and shoot him down with a stick of dynamite. Those are the people you need in your life.
You are not alone, no matter what your anxiety tells you.
The beast in my soul that won't leave me alone. It gnaws at me to listen to it's whispering voice all day, saying the things that others can easily ignore, but in my brain so loud and clear. It's voice so silky smooth that it seems so innocent at the time, then as you listen in, and perk an ear, it becomes a tornado that you quickly regret even acknowledging. You spiral down, down into the depths of the worry, anxiety, and panic until it eats you alive. Consumes your every thought, and the anxiety is so loud you can't hear anything else. People think you are rude, but really you're just caught in your own head. Listening to the thoughts that no one else can hear but are always looming over the horizon. Then you worry about worrying, wondering if your worry is even valid, wondering if others feel it too, then the monster isolates you, singles you out, makes you feel as though no one else in the world can understand you. He ruins your friendships, your relationships. You lash out, trying to not only protect yourself from others judging you, but to protect others from the beast that dwells within, not wanting it to cause more harm that he has already started to cause. You want to reach out, you want to talk, but to even put into words what you are thinking and feeling...there are not enough or even words that exist in any language to describe how you feel, sometimes you don't even know how you feel, so how the hell should I describe it? I know i'm not rational, I know i'm crazy. But if I shove the crazy down hard enough, and force a smile, and cover up the monster with anger, jokes, or even overly expressive happiness, maybe he wont show his ugly face. He used to tell me to harm myself, cutting, eraser burning, you name it...he would tell me i'm not worth it, that i'm useless, that I will amount to nothing. But through love, God, counseling and friendships I have learned differently, I have learned that all of those thoughts about myself are wrong, and that even if I don't see it, others see potential in me.
So what is this monster that I speak of? Well, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, or GAD, is exactly what it sounds like. Worrying about everything, even things that are not a big deal. A normal day for me consists of worrying what people will think about my outfit, looking in the mirror, hating my body, thinking everyone at school will judge my pudgy belly, and just end up wearing baggy clothes to hide it all because I don't want to deal with the pain at that moment. After that I go to class, and worry that I wont retain the material in classes, but I worry so much I space out, I go to my own world, think about all the things I have to do with my day, worry about how I will get it all done, then start worrying about the worry that i'm feeling, trying to shove it down. Then I listen to the lecturer, try to take some notes, repeat...over, and over, and over again. GAD is hyper worrying about things that others worry about, but don't let effect them. And even if a person with GAD may look fine and well put together on the outside, doesnt mean there isnt a tornado spiraling in their head. GAD has a lot of physical symptoms. For me, if it's a bad week I can't eat, I will skip periods regularly because my body has so much cortisol that I suppress any estrogen in my system. I carry all my tension in my shoulders and clench my teeth, I fidget when i'm anxious, and it is hard for me to lose weight because of all the cortisol. Not to mention I crave chocolate like its my job. Symptoms are different for every person, and some GAD people have more outward symptoms. My outward symptoms are that I lash out at people when i'm having a bad day, and say things that I don't mean. I use my anger to cover up my anxiety, to push people away so that they won't worry about me, but instead end up isolating myself.
I also have depression, and Panic Attack Disorder....so my spiraling anxious thoughts will sometimes lead to intense panic attacks, night terrors, night sweats, and inability to stay concentrated. It wasnt always unmanageable like it is now. Before my concussion I could keep the beast locked away in the depths of my mind and keep him at bay, during and after my concussion it has been such a struggle. My family situation doesnt help that either, but that is a blog for another day if I ever get around to it. My only saving grace is my Fiance and his parents who took me in when I had to get out from the toxic home life that was my home for many years.
As it stands now I am getting better...I generally only have about 1 panic episode every couple of weeks to even a month, which is miles better than 6 panic attacks a day and losing 15 pounds in 2 weeks. Medication helps with the depression, but the depression is not the beast that causes the problems. My cycle is as such; I wake up and worry about what i'm going to worry about in my day before I even have anything to worry about, then I worry, and then worry about that worrying, and it builds up throughout my day until i'm so exhausted I just want to sleep. Being around people is exhausting because i'm not only paying attention to them, but also to the whispering in my ear that they are judging me, that i'm fat, that i'm not good enough to be my friend, and that eventually my GAD beast will show his face to them and they will hate me, or think i'm crazy. Then on weeks that are bad, I will have night terrors that stop me from sleeping, and eventually a panic attack, which then leads to the depression. But see, my monster is the anxiety, the constant worry of life, and don't even get me thinking about the future or a meltdown will happen. Some weeks I have no symptoms, and other weeks, like the last two, I have a ton.
People here are starting to get to know me well enough that they notice something is off about me...that makes me worry more. I start to think i'm losing control of the beast, that I won't be able to keep him tamed in public anymore. That his ugly face will ruin all I have worked towards. I strive to be better than him, or my family, who all are mentally unstable themselves. With a Borderline mother and a Histrionic grandmother who has made everyone in the immediate family codependent on her except for 1 uncle, I did not learn how to properly control my demons.
I am not writing this post for pity, or even for people to feel bad about me. Honestly, writing this post is causing anxiety in, and of, itself. But I am writing this in case someone happens upon it and understands what i'm going through, feels the same way. I want to tell you this: you are not alone, you are loved, and your beast can be controlled. With practice, time, and LOTS of patience from you and your loved ones, you can get through this. Surround yourself with people who care about you, and don't want to change you, but want to be a support for you to become who you are meant to be, a shining bright light in the pit of darkness that is your mind. To crawl out from the depths, and give you a helping hand to defeat your monsters when is necessary. People who will force you out of your room when you have locked yourself away in fear of harming someone else. People who will stare that beast in the face, and shoot him down with a stick of dynamite. Those are the people you need in your life.
You are not alone, no matter what your anxiety tells you.
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
It's been a while
Why hello my old blog. It has been a very long time it seems. Well since I last wrote in you a lot has changed. I managed to get myself out of the volatile situation at home, I got a concussion, i'm engaged, and i'm in graduate school to become a Chiropractor! So let me update you on a few things.
For one, good job past me for being strong enough to leave the nest when I did. It was a rough ride. And good for you for hanging in there as long as you did. But lets not get ahead of ourselves. Let's start at the beginning.
So shortly after posting the last time I teamed up with a friend at college to create a Quidditch team. All that money I saved up quickly became the funds for the team. About $750 in total was put into the team if I remember correctly. Then in one of the last games of the season I got a concussion. Of course I didn't want to admit it, but Ron the Rhino hit me on the head with his shoulder, and my good friend Lauren eventually made you go to the hospital. I got diagnosed, got a CAT scan, and went on my way. Little did I know how bad the concussion would be. Three weeks later you got cleared and stupidly rode without a helmet and fell off Cisco at Uncle Bill and Aunt Cindy's house, re-concussing yourself. After diagnosis, a specialist got involved. A YEAR of emotional therapy, cognitive therapy, speech therapy, and coordination skills ensued.
However, through this time, I wasn't allowed to do much, but I got the all clear from the doctor to do Humans Vs. Zombies...Where Trevor and I met. Now if anyone who is reading this blog knows me, they would know that Trevor and I hated each other when we first met. But through HVZ we became friends, and of course, he being oblivious to such things, I had to spell out for him that I liked him. I never thought he would reciprocate my feelings, ever. I believed he was completely out of my league. Little did I know that he thought he would never find a woman that would love him and was content with being celibate for the rest of his life.
He asked my Pap's permission to court me and our relationship started May of 2014. So my knight in shining armor did come. He put up with so much in our first few months, and even up till I moved out. My grandparents made our relationship very hard, trying to use him as a manipulation tactic to get me to do things, make me believe he was a terrible person, tried to wedge us apart, set me up with other people. Not to mention that they were very uncompassionate towards my emotional state during my concussion. While I was recovering, my emotions were all over the place. I would have fits of rage over the simplest things, and the doctor said my emotional problems (depression, anxiety, and panic attacks) would be heightened maybe for the rest of my life. At one point, during the tail end of my recovery, she tried to prep me for the real reality that I would never ride or be able to do competitive sports again if my brain didn't get it's crap together and heal quicker. Anyway, we had tons of fights, my grandparents and I, over grades, clothes, Trevor, and other stupid things. I tried explaining to them about my heightened emotional state, to which they said I was making excuses and expected me to just get over it. I don't know if you, the reader, have ever had a concussion as bad as mine was, but it was a double (maybe triple) lobed double compound concussion. It effected emotions, speech, coordination, reaction time, memory (short and long term), as well as making my depression worse while all the while putting on the pounds. It was a lot to handle while being in a very prestigious college program.
Eventually I had enough, and told my grandparents that if they threatened to kick me out one more time I was going to take them up on the offer. Needless to say, they did, and I had to follow through with my ultimatum. At 12 am on a Thursday, Trevor and his mother came down to Pittsburgh to come take me to their house, where I still reside. A best friend of mine picked me up, and his girlfriend took me to Walmart to buy a bunch of items I would need for the next few weeks until I could convince my grandparents to let me in the house to collect my things. I did eventually get all my items, but I wasn't allowed in the house.
Trevor and I tried to amend things with them before he proposed to me, as we were close to the 2 year anniversary of our relationship by this point, and if you know anything about a courtship, that is already a long time to not be married in courtship rules. We asked them, and made a hard boundary for them to get counseling. Honestly I don't think it helped at all....the one session we went to blew up in our faces and left me more panicked and upset than before the meeting.
As for the concussion, I may be cleared now but it took so much from me. I am now 35 pounds heavier than I was before the concussion, I still have emotional problems and had to be put on an Anti-depressant, my grades slipped and my dream of Veterinarian slipped from me, and I still struggle with coordination issues and migraine headaches to this day. The horrible part of having post-concussion syndrome (as it is called even after you get cleared with recurring symptoms) is that people don't believe you when you say you still struggle with symptoms. Just because I was cleared doesn't mean my brain is at 100%. However, things are looking up for the first time in a long time.
I have a man that I deeply love, that wants the best for me in my life, I am attending Chiro school with the hopes to do Animal Chiropractic eventually on horses and their riders. I found a Quidditch team to join. I FINALLY got my own car AND licence! I know it only took me 22 years to get my licence right? :p And I seem to be doing well in this college. Music is still a part of my life even though i'm not a teacher anymore, and back at Trevor's place I have a job where I feel appreciated and work at during my 3 week breaks, and a horse that I am training, slowly, but training.
On a plus side, I graduated GCC, got my BS degree in Bio and did manage to have my grandparent there with Trevor's family as well.
There are so many more small details I wish I could fill this blog in on that has happened the past 4 years, but they are too many and far between. But I hope to start writing in here more often, about politics, my feelings on school, or just plain life. I know that no one will probably ever read it. But it seems to be a good outlet for me. So if you are a follower of mine, sorry it has been so long for a post! And i'm glad to be back!
For one, good job past me for being strong enough to leave the nest when I did. It was a rough ride. And good for you for hanging in there as long as you did. But lets not get ahead of ourselves. Let's start at the beginning.
So shortly after posting the last time I teamed up with a friend at college to create a Quidditch team. All that money I saved up quickly became the funds for the team. About $750 in total was put into the team if I remember correctly. Then in one of the last games of the season I got a concussion. Of course I didn't want to admit it, but Ron the Rhino hit me on the head with his shoulder, and my good friend Lauren eventually made you go to the hospital. I got diagnosed, got a CAT scan, and went on my way. Little did I know how bad the concussion would be. Three weeks later you got cleared and stupidly rode without a helmet and fell off Cisco at Uncle Bill and Aunt Cindy's house, re-concussing yourself. After diagnosis, a specialist got involved. A YEAR of emotional therapy, cognitive therapy, speech therapy, and coordination skills ensued.
However, through this time, I wasn't allowed to do much, but I got the all clear from the doctor to do Humans Vs. Zombies...Where Trevor and I met. Now if anyone who is reading this blog knows me, they would know that Trevor and I hated each other when we first met. But through HVZ we became friends, and of course, he being oblivious to such things, I had to spell out for him that I liked him. I never thought he would reciprocate my feelings, ever. I believed he was completely out of my league. Little did I know that he thought he would never find a woman that would love him and was content with being celibate for the rest of his life.
He asked my Pap's permission to court me and our relationship started May of 2014. So my knight in shining armor did come. He put up with so much in our first few months, and even up till I moved out. My grandparents made our relationship very hard, trying to use him as a manipulation tactic to get me to do things, make me believe he was a terrible person, tried to wedge us apart, set me up with other people. Not to mention that they were very uncompassionate towards my emotional state during my concussion. While I was recovering, my emotions were all over the place. I would have fits of rage over the simplest things, and the doctor said my emotional problems (depression, anxiety, and panic attacks) would be heightened maybe for the rest of my life. At one point, during the tail end of my recovery, she tried to prep me for the real reality that I would never ride or be able to do competitive sports again if my brain didn't get it's crap together and heal quicker. Anyway, we had tons of fights, my grandparents and I, over grades, clothes, Trevor, and other stupid things. I tried explaining to them about my heightened emotional state, to which they said I was making excuses and expected me to just get over it. I don't know if you, the reader, have ever had a concussion as bad as mine was, but it was a double (maybe triple) lobed double compound concussion. It effected emotions, speech, coordination, reaction time, memory (short and long term), as well as making my depression worse while all the while putting on the pounds. It was a lot to handle while being in a very prestigious college program.
Eventually I had enough, and told my grandparents that if they threatened to kick me out one more time I was going to take them up on the offer. Needless to say, they did, and I had to follow through with my ultimatum. At 12 am on a Thursday, Trevor and his mother came down to Pittsburgh to come take me to their house, where I still reside. A best friend of mine picked me up, and his girlfriend took me to Walmart to buy a bunch of items I would need for the next few weeks until I could convince my grandparents to let me in the house to collect my things. I did eventually get all my items, but I wasn't allowed in the house.
Trevor and I tried to amend things with them before he proposed to me, as we were close to the 2 year anniversary of our relationship by this point, and if you know anything about a courtship, that is already a long time to not be married in courtship rules. We asked them, and made a hard boundary for them to get counseling. Honestly I don't think it helped at all....the one session we went to blew up in our faces and left me more panicked and upset than before the meeting.
As for the concussion, I may be cleared now but it took so much from me. I am now 35 pounds heavier than I was before the concussion, I still have emotional problems and had to be put on an Anti-depressant, my grades slipped and my dream of Veterinarian slipped from me, and I still struggle with coordination issues and migraine headaches to this day. The horrible part of having post-concussion syndrome (as it is called even after you get cleared with recurring symptoms) is that people don't believe you when you say you still struggle with symptoms. Just because I was cleared doesn't mean my brain is at 100%. However, things are looking up for the first time in a long time.
I have a man that I deeply love, that wants the best for me in my life, I am attending Chiro school with the hopes to do Animal Chiropractic eventually on horses and their riders. I found a Quidditch team to join. I FINALLY got my own car AND licence! I know it only took me 22 years to get my licence right? :p And I seem to be doing well in this college. Music is still a part of my life even though i'm not a teacher anymore, and back at Trevor's place I have a job where I feel appreciated and work at during my 3 week breaks, and a horse that I am training, slowly, but training.
On a plus side, I graduated GCC, got my BS degree in Bio and did manage to have my grandparent there with Trevor's family as well.
There are so many more small details I wish I could fill this blog in on that has happened the past 4 years, but they are too many and far between. But I hope to start writing in here more often, about politics, my feelings on school, or just plain life. I know that no one will probably ever read it. But it seems to be a good outlet for me. So if you are a follower of mine, sorry it has been so long for a post! And i'm glad to be back!
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
The futility in it all
Why do i feel like everything i do here is just in futility? I feel like nothing is ever good enough, that even though i study for 6-7 hours a day, i am getting no where. I now have to worry about all my classes being c's instead of a's like i was shooting for and i feel like there is nothing i can do to stop this situation from arsing. The anxiety rises more and more every day as i take quiz after quiz, test after test, with bad results, or worse results than i really wanted. I just don't know what to do anymore. This blog is the only thing i seem to be able to do well, this and explaining things to people that I'm studying. But i can explain away all day, but if i don't get the answer right on the tests and answer how my professors want me to then its all for futility. I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong anymore. I just don't! I was an amazing student in high school, almost straight a's the whole way through with a few classes here and there that weren't a's. Then i went to community college and still did amazing! Got on the deans list 2 semesters in a row! Now how is it that i come here to GCC and I do the same tactics that i did before that worked, and they are failing me miserably? I am getting tutoring, i am talking to teachers, i am studying like i should (least how i think i should), and it just ISN'T working! I don't understand it! Honestly at this point if i get b's in everything and a C in Ochem ill be the happiest person alive! I dont even care anymore if other's will be disappointed, ill make up for the qpa in the next few semesters, just PLEASE God! I need b's! I NEED b's! I don't know what else to do but the beg and plead! I am even getting points back from teachers and doing all the extra credit, doing study group sessions, and not going to a lot of my extra curricular activities! Nothing is working and i don't know why and I'm just about ready to give up! I feel like I'm going to explode all the time, i am never peaceful, and i always have too much work to catch up on, even when I'm ahead of schedule. I just cant life today! I don't know what else i can do anymore. This just isn't working! I want to be a Vet with every fiber of my being and i want to achieve and do the great things that you have called me for God, but how can i do that when i cant figure out what I'm doing wrong?
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Generation Y
I HATE my generation! Legit! We are full of hypocritical, stupid, self absorbed idiots! I am an independent student, supporting myself through college, and a lot of my generation just lives off of mommy and daddy's money. They dont struggle at all, they dont have their own opinions about things, and they dont stand up for what is right. A lot of kids in my generation dont even know how to conduct themselves in an interview for a job! Market yourself people! It's not hard I promise!
So lets start with that issue. With my generation, we are the ones who grew up on computers. We learned from the beginning of the internet how it worked, what made it tick, and we remember consoles that were bigger than the computer screen. But with this came a lot of problems that no one really thought about. We cant talk face to face. It gives us anxiety. Phones and the internet have made anything and everything accessible to us. Making my generation think that they know everything about everything. Also making it impossible for them to understand the concept of talking to people face to face or even on a cell phone call. What ever happened to looking your best for a job interview and presenting yourself in a professional manner? Maybe i'm just good at it because i have my own business in the music world and HAVE to be professional. But GOSH DANG people! It's not that hard i promise! Dress your best, do your hair, make-up, and talk like the grown up adult you are!
Now lets talk about THAT issue. If i have to pick a "theme" for my generation i would have to say that my generation says YOLO all the freaking time! No dip sherlock! We all live once! That doesnt mean that you get to go around acting like an immature idiot because you want to "enjoy life"! NO! Go make something of yourself and give something to the community! Stop going around getting drunk off your rear end, having sex with everything with two legs, making babies at 16, and ruining your bodies, reputations, and careers! You want people to treat you like an adult when you act like a 5 year old who just suddenly realized they are an adult and can do whatever they want! I'm pretty sure your parents raised you better than that!
What also bothers me is how my generation is so scared of wedlock! Back in the day if you divorced someone you now had a bad reputation! Now its the freaking norm! New flash to you people, love is NOT what you think it is. Sure at first love is magical and fun and all lovey dovey. But after a while you have to work at it. You cant just give up on the person because they pissed you off! You have to work through your problems with that person and figure out how to make it work. If you cant do that then you never truly loved the person in the first place anyway. ALSO love is NOT all about sex! Actually giving yourself to someone BEFORE marriage is a bad idea! Sex is the most intimate thing you can give to someone, and if they break your heart outside marriage there is nothing, NOTHING you can do about it! Just wait people. Its not hard i promise! Put a lock on that crap and control yourself!
Also, thinking. My generation have NO self thought ideas. They get all their opinions from politics, tv, or their parents. Start thinking independently for once and make your own choices based on what YOU believe! Stop letting every tom dick and harry make decisions for you! Look at what you believe, look at what you think is right and make your decisions based on that!
Come on Y generation! Stand up and do something important and impact-ful in your life! Stop just going with the flow and YOLOing. You look stupid and pathetic! Grow up!
So lets start with that issue. With my generation, we are the ones who grew up on computers. We learned from the beginning of the internet how it worked, what made it tick, and we remember consoles that were bigger than the computer screen. But with this came a lot of problems that no one really thought about. We cant talk face to face. It gives us anxiety. Phones and the internet have made anything and everything accessible to us. Making my generation think that they know everything about everything. Also making it impossible for them to understand the concept of talking to people face to face or even on a cell phone call. What ever happened to looking your best for a job interview and presenting yourself in a professional manner? Maybe i'm just good at it because i have my own business in the music world and HAVE to be professional. But GOSH DANG people! It's not that hard i promise! Dress your best, do your hair, make-up, and talk like the grown up adult you are!
Now lets talk about THAT issue. If i have to pick a "theme" for my generation i would have to say that my generation says YOLO all the freaking time! No dip sherlock! We all live once! That doesnt mean that you get to go around acting like an immature idiot because you want to "enjoy life"! NO! Go make something of yourself and give something to the community! Stop going around getting drunk off your rear end, having sex with everything with two legs, making babies at 16, and ruining your bodies, reputations, and careers! You want people to treat you like an adult when you act like a 5 year old who just suddenly realized they are an adult and can do whatever they want! I'm pretty sure your parents raised you better than that!
What also bothers me is how my generation is so scared of wedlock! Back in the day if you divorced someone you now had a bad reputation! Now its the freaking norm! New flash to you people, love is NOT what you think it is. Sure at first love is magical and fun and all lovey dovey. But after a while you have to work at it. You cant just give up on the person because they pissed you off! You have to work through your problems with that person and figure out how to make it work. If you cant do that then you never truly loved the person in the first place anyway. ALSO love is NOT all about sex! Actually giving yourself to someone BEFORE marriage is a bad idea! Sex is the most intimate thing you can give to someone, and if they break your heart outside marriage there is nothing, NOTHING you can do about it! Just wait people. Its not hard i promise! Put a lock on that crap and control yourself!
Also, thinking. My generation have NO self thought ideas. They get all their opinions from politics, tv, or their parents. Start thinking independently for once and make your own choices based on what YOU believe! Stop letting every tom dick and harry make decisions for you! Look at what you believe, look at what you think is right and make your decisions based on that!
Come on Y generation! Stand up and do something important and impact-ful in your life! Stop just going with the flow and YOLOing. You look stupid and pathetic! Grow up!
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