Thursday, August 31, 2017

Days where the world could burn and you wouldnt care

You ever had one of those days where you just want the whole world to burn, including yourself? Where you literally have had the worst, shit day, with shit piling on top of more shit to where you just don't give a fuck anymore. Where you just want to sleep, but can't because all the things of your day spiral around in your head, making you go mad? Where you want just 1 fucking thing to go your way but it never does, and that just makes the day even worse? Well today has been one of those days for me. Some people just say it's waking up on the wrong side of the bed, but this feeling, its a feeling of hatred that cannot be thwarted. A hatred so deep it makes you push those that are closest to you away, as far away as possible, making yourself secluded, just like you feel you should. Because your day is so bad, that all you wanna do is be alone to think about how the day could have been better, hide from the world because the world is a horrible, cruel, evil place that only lives to torment you. Yeah....I've had that day.
Started with a busy day at work, where nothing got done that I wanted to get done. Having to deal with needy people who are also probably having shit days, but decide to take it out on you. Trying to be strong for everyone else at my work because the boss relies on you to be good at your job. But I got hurt the other day, and moving as quickly as I normally do hurts like a bitch, but you can't dare say that, you would look like a pansy. I was also running on little sleep, and lots of coffee, sleep was non existent last night, tossing and turning in my sleep from night mares i couldnt shake. They make me feel weak, these nightmares, I hate them so much. I can't go see my horse because I am hurt, and I know myself too well to know that if i go see him, I will want to ride him, and I cant. I have no money left except for gas, and that I still need to borrow money, that makes me feel inadequate and stupid for not saving my money more wisely, but unforseen car breaks made me spend it when i wasnt planning. Then I get home, and see an opportunity to turn my day around, but it does just the opposite. It enrages me, makes me hate life even more, makes me hate myself, and the world, and makes me want everything around me to just leave me be, because apparently nothing can turn my day around. Nothing can make my day better, nothing can make this hatred go away.
Then I am left alone, and I don't want to move, I don't want to think, but of course being human our minds wander. My family...what as sore subject, they always creep into my mind at the worst times. Do I miss them? I suppose not...do I hate that I don't have relations with them? Yes...even though it is their own fault for that. Then my mind wanders to all the people in my life that used to be my friends and arent anymore...I wonder what I did to make them all hate me so much...I can understand them hating me now, life has mutilated who I once used to be. A happy go lucky girl that was so optimistic, pessimists were turned around from their ways. I was great at everything I did, I was the friend to those that needed me most, I was devout, I was kind, compassionate, and caring. I bent over backwards for people. I did everything I could to always help. But the more I grew up, the more I saw those around me using me for my kindness....I saw those around me seeing me as the easy prey, the easy target for jokes, for money. A girl that they could use to get over their past girlfriends and then ditch because I was so nice I didn't care.
Then I think of my one light in my darkness...my Fiance. I think of how he isnt getting the girl that I used to be, the girl that was so caring, gentle, kind, devout. But a mangled mess of what used to be. A distorted version of myself that I barely recognize in the mirror. A version of myself that is vengeful, mean, spiteful, angry, hateful, fat, ugly, and not just ugly on the outside. A woman who questions if God even cares about me anymore, because how can he care about someone he has dealt such a bad hand to? How can he still care about me when I feel as though all I do is suffer and sacrifice for any gain I have ever found in my life. I honestly don't know how or why Trevor is still in my life, I don't deserve his love. I can't even love myself 9 times out of 10. But if it wasnt for him entering my life and showing me what real love was, I would not have made the leaps I made in life, or been brave enough to stand up for myself against my family. I would not have gone to Chiropractic school, I would not have had any reason to live if not for him. I was on my last leg when I found him...or I guess...when he found me. I had given up on anything remotely close to what I have now. I never even thought it possible. I was complacent with dying if that was in the cards for me back then.
But I push, and push, and push. These days, they make me hate myself, life, and the world. They make me hate God for making me this angry person, for bestowing upon me all these strong emotions that I deal with on a daily basis, makes me hate being myself because a lot of times, myself is a very ugly monster that tries her best to put on a good show. I honestly don't know what he sees in me...but he tries so hard to make me see, I just don't see anything but a fat, ugly bitch that is slowly being filled with more hatred because my family keeps rearing their ugly head and wont just leave things be, and when days, such as today, where nothing has gone my way, even the gas prices, or even making food that I wanted to make do; I just want to hide from the world, and pretend that nothing but my happy place exists, because my happy place is much better than my dreams, or reality.

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