Living with GAD

GAD.
The beast in my soul that won't leave me alone. It gnaws at me to listen to it's whispering voice all day, saying the things that others can easily ignore, but in my brain so loud and clear. It's voice so silky smooth that it seems so innocent at the time, then as you listen in, and perk an ear, it becomes a tornado that you quickly regret even acknowledging. You spiral down, down into the depths of the worry, anxiety, and panic until it eats you alive. Consumes your every thought, and the anxiety is so loud you can't hear anything else. People think you are rude, but really you're just caught in your own head. Listening to the thoughts that no one else can hear but are always looming over the horizon. Then you worry about worrying, wondering if your worry is even valid, wondering if others feel it too, then the monster isolates you, singles you out, makes you feel as though no one else in the world can understand you. He ruins your friendships, your relationships. You lash out, trying to not only protect yourself from others judging you, but to protect others from the beast that dwells within, not wanting it to cause more harm that he has already started to cause. You want to reach out, you want to talk, but to even put into words what you are thinking and feeling...there are not enough or even words that exist in any language to describe how you feel, sometimes you don't even know how you feel, so how the hell should I describe it? I know i'm not rational, I know i'm crazy. But if I shove the crazy down hard enough, and force a smile, and cover up the monster with anger, jokes, or even overly expressive happiness, maybe he wont show his ugly face. He used to tell me to harm myself, cutting, eraser burning, you name it...he would tell me i'm not worth it, that i'm useless, that I will amount to nothing. But through love, God, counseling and friendships I have learned differently, I have learned that all of those thoughts about myself are wrong, and that even if I don't see it, others see potential in me.
So what is this monster that I speak of? Well, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, or GAD, is exactly what it sounds like. Worrying about everything, even things that are not a big deal. A normal day for me consists of worrying what people will think about my outfit, looking in the mirror, hating my body, thinking everyone at school will judge my pudgy belly, and  just end up wearing baggy clothes to hide it all because I don't want to deal with the pain at that moment. After that I go to class, and worry that I wont retain the material in classes, but I worry so much I space out, I go to my own world, think about all the things I have to do with my day, worry about how I will get it all done, then start worrying about the worry that i'm feeling, trying to shove it down. Then I listen to the lecturer, try to take some notes, repeat...over, and over, and over again. GAD is hyper worrying about things that others worry about, but don't let effect them. And even if a person with GAD may look fine and well put together on the outside, doesnt mean there isnt a tornado spiraling in their head. GAD has a lot of physical symptoms. For me, if it's a bad week I can't eat, I will skip periods regularly because my body has so much cortisol that I suppress any estrogen in my system. I carry all my tension in my shoulders and clench my teeth, I fidget when i'm anxious, and it is hard for me to lose weight because of all the cortisol. Not to mention I crave chocolate like its my job. Symptoms are different for every person, and some GAD people have more outward symptoms. My outward symptoms are that I lash out at people when i'm having a bad day, and say things that I don't mean. I use my anger to cover up my anxiety, to push people away so that they won't worry about me, but instead end up isolating myself.
I also have depression, and Panic Attack Disorder....so my spiraling anxious thoughts will sometimes lead to intense panic attacks, night terrors, night sweats, and inability to stay concentrated. It wasnt always unmanageable like it is now. Before my concussion I could keep the beast locked away in the depths of my mind and keep him at bay, during and after my concussion it has been such a struggle. My family situation doesnt help that either, but that is a blog for another day if I ever get around to it. My only saving grace is my Fiance and his parents who took me in when I had to get out from the toxic home life that was my home for many years.
As it stands now I am getting better...I generally only have about 1 panic episode every couple of weeks to even a month, which is miles better than 6 panic attacks a day and losing 15 pounds in 2 weeks. Medication helps with the depression, but the depression is not the beast that causes the problems. My cycle is as such; I wake up and worry about what i'm going to worry about in my day before I even have anything to worry about, then I worry, and then worry about that worrying, and it builds up throughout my day until i'm so exhausted I just want to sleep. Being around people is exhausting because i'm not only paying attention to them, but also to the whispering in my ear that they are judging me, that i'm fat, that i'm not good enough to be my friend, and that eventually my GAD beast will show his face to them and they will hate me, or think i'm crazy. Then on weeks that are bad, I will have night terrors that stop me from sleeping, and eventually a panic attack, which then leads to the depression. But see, my monster is the anxiety, the constant worry of life, and don't even get me thinking about the future or a meltdown will happen. Some weeks I have no symptoms, and other weeks, like the last two, I have a ton.
People here are starting to get to know me well enough that they notice something is off about me...that makes me worry more. I start to think i'm losing control of the beast, that I won't be able to keep him tamed in public anymore. That his ugly face will ruin all I have worked towards. I strive to be better than him, or my family, who all are mentally unstable themselves. With a Borderline mother and a Histrionic grandmother who has made everyone in the immediate family codependent on her except for 1 uncle, I did not learn how to properly control my demons.
I am not writing this post for pity, or even for people to feel bad about me. Honestly, writing this post is causing anxiety in, and of, itself. But I am writing this in case someone happens upon it and understands what i'm going through, feels the same way. I want to tell you this: you are not alone, you are loved, and your beast can be controlled. With practice, time, and LOTS of patience from you and your loved ones, you can get through this. Surround yourself with people who care about you, and don't want to change you, but want to be a support for you to become who you are meant to be, a shining bright light in the pit of darkness that is your mind. To crawl out from the depths, and give you a helping hand to defeat your monsters when is necessary. People who will force you out of your room when you have locked yourself away in fear of harming someone else. People who will stare that beast in the face, and shoot him down with a stick of dynamite. Those are the people you need in your life.
You are not alone, no matter what your anxiety tells you.