I have had so many good things happen to me in the past two years. Yet still, I can't be happy about any of them. I am halfway through my graduate school program to become a Chiropractor; I got engaged to the man of my dreams; I got new friends that love me for me, not for the person they think I am; I got a promotion at my weekend job at a Walmart by my school; a lot of things good have happened in my life....yet I feel that I don't deserve them at all. I feel all I deserve in my life is misery. You see...my family can't seem to leave their drama to themselves. My mother has weazled her way back into my families lives and I seem to be the only one that knows she is a wolf in sheeps clothing. I was willing to see if she changed and turned a new leaf, but the first encounter I had with her after the family welcomed her back into their lives, I could tell she hadnt changed at all. It was still all about her, her job, her dogs, her feelings, her weight, her progress towards surgery to lose weight, her house. Her, her, her. I even tried to talk about myself and she interjected about herself. I even tried to talk about anything but surface stuff with her to get closure and i'm the bad guy who keeps dredging up the past. How can I possible just forgive and forget about the transgressions of a mother who had many boyfriends growing up and I knew EXACTLY what they were doing in her room at night; that was apparent by the many video's they sent her that I happened across. The mother who always put her platinum hair and $200 nails above my horseback riding lessons and clothes that I wanted for school? A mother that failed to pay the bills and I had to worry about electric and heat growing up because she couldnt hold down a job to save her life because she was always picking fights with her bosses. A mother who vindictively decided to not let me go to the school of my dreams because she was jealous that I got accepted into it and she didnt. A mother who blackmailed me into doing things I didnt want to do; hide secrets, not see family during holidays (even when we did go see them she ruined the holiday, so I quit caring). A mother who threatened to abduct her daughter from her college campus because she was mad I filed for independence and was putting myself through college because she wouldnt. A mother who claimed me ILLEGALLY on her income taxes for years and now forces her x-husband (whom she cheated on and I just found out recently) pay for it? A mother who attacked my friends on facebook for standing by me through my depression that was caused by her actions. A mother that embarrassed me at EVERY venue because she either was never satisfied with her food at resteraunts, wasnt happy with the seats we got at concerts or movies, or yelled at mothers of bullies who bothered me, which just made the situation worse. A mother who was absent when we moved into a house with a man I didnt know and left all my disciplining to him? A mother who HATED doing ANYTHING I liked to do. She hated my fandoms that I like (harry potter, narnia, twilight, hunger games) and my hobbies (horseback riding) and would take a pale skinned red head to the beach to burn instead of doing anything I wanted to do like have her watch me ride, or go see the twilight movies with me. Ken (my step dad) ended up taking me on more daughter father dates than she ever did mother daughter dates because she would only take me to the beach and I hated the beach. I'm a freaking red head, I can't be in the heat and sun. Duh. Common sense 101 please? Or how about a mother who, when told by her daughter that she almost killed herself when she was out of the house with the huge butcher knife in the kitchen and the ONLY thing that stopped me was my DOG? Not even a HUMAN to come to my rescue, but an animal that she never wanted!! Her response was "Sorry my good enough wasnt good enough for you". Really?? REALLY!?!?!? Let that sink in for a second. Let the fact that she HATED that I didnt want to go for music but Veterinary medicine sink in. The fact that she got mad I put myself through college because she could no longer dictate where I went and what I did. The fact that she got made when I got my own insurance and my own phone, and my own computer because she refused to support me when I went to live with my grandparents. We had moved to South Carolina, where every person hated me for being a yankee, every person told me everyday that they wanted me to go back where I came from. So I did. I went with my grandparents and the $200 a month that was agreed on slowly turned into $50. I had to get a job to pay for my medical bills for my dental bills because she outright refused to pay for them, cause ya know, genetic dental problems is definitely my fault right?
And now the last bit of information that makes forgiving her so hard. My birth father. My mother refuses to tell me who my birth father is. It took her till I was 14 (I think? It's hard to remember what age I was) to tell me how I was conceived and that she wanted to give me up for adoption until my pap prayed over me in the delivery room and she decided to keep me. Fun fact, she still blames him to this day for keeping me and she still to this day blames me for her being obese. She claims that she was raped; but given her track record of cheating and how many guys she fooled around with in college, I highly doubt this is the case. The current hypothesis is that she had a boyfriend at the time and she cheated on him because he wouldnt have sex with her, and to cover it up she said she was raped. Let me go into why this is the hypothesis. First off the boyfriend at the time contacted my family and told us that was why they broke up, because she was pregnant and it wasnt his so he knew she cheated. Second, my grandparents were gone the weekend I was conceived and when they came home she had no bruises, scars, or acted weird. They also had a family friend go over the house to check up on her and a car they didnt recognize was in the parking lot. So they didnt go in because they didnt know what was going on. Third, her story has changed so many times over the years that it's hard to believe she is actually telling the truth. Fourth, according to my grandparents when she told them she was pregnant she didnt start the conversation with "I was raped" it was after they accepted that she was pregnant and said that they could keep it and wanted to be grandparents that she said it, and then when they said they would press charges she outright refused. All of it leads me to believe she lied. I did research on the guy that the boyfriend at the time told me was my father and found him on facebook. I did have a conversation with him, and he never remembers anything like that happening, but I mean the man has a family, I don't know if I would admit to something like that either if I was him. But all leads send me back to him. My mother is no help, she told me to go fuck myself when I asked her for the information.
So please tell me how my family has any ground to stand on by telling me to let her back into my life "Give it to God and move on" "Love her dont scold her" "You're so unloving! You obviously arent a christian! We have all forgiven her! Why can't you?" BECAUSE I'M HER DAUGHTER!!! IT'S NOT MY JOB TO FORGIVE HER WITHOUT AN APOLOGY!! Why is that so hard for them to understand! The wounds hurt too deep! The person who was supposed to love, cherish and protect me was the one person who single handedly made me question integrity in people, made me learn to grow up too fast, made me have to support myself at an age that I shouldnt have had to, made me hate people, made me realize the world is a cruel and evil place very young, and who ultimately made me distrust anything anyone ever says about how I look. She would always make me feel terrible about myself, nothing was good enough, and nothing ever got her attention enough to get the love that I craved growing up. For my uncles and my grandmother maybe it's fine for them to pretend like nothing happened and just move on and pretend nothing ever happened, but for me....I don't feel I should have to just forget and put on a face to pretend things are ok. Children are supposed to make you better people, make you put yourself second, and put them first. A mother is supposed to love her child through everything, support them, and give them the love they need to love others through example. She did none of that, and if she wants back in my life it will be on my terms, and I don't see that as being mean, I see that as protecting myself.
I even told my family that I gave her 3 simple rules to follow and she told me I was an ungrateful selfish child. I will lay them out here 1) don't attack my friends on facebook because that is what got her blocked in the first place. 2) Don't look at my fiance, don't talk to my fiance, and don't friend request my fiance. I don't trust her not to attack him for something stupid. 3) take down the pictures she has of me on her facebook because all they were was a platform for people who don't know me to bash me on social media and make me look like the bad guy when they had no clue as to what actually transpired. She out right refused. Then I found out she cheated on my step dad with er (try to keep up) dead best friend's widow. That's right, she waited till her friend died and then moved in with the new widow, leaving her husband with a pile of debt, a ruined credit score, and leaving him with all the debt they owned the IRS for me pressing charges on them for claiming me illegally. I sincerely feel bad for Ken. I mean I did try to warn him she was crazy, but I did meet with him recently and he is doing well at least, but still...she ruined his credit, and bled his money well dry before up and leaving him for another guy. I called her out on facebook about it, and she apparently didnt like her dirty laundry being spread out for all her little friends to know so she blocked me. Which is fine, at least I got my point across.
I reiterate, how is she a healthy person to let in my life? I think I'll keep her at arms distance and pretend she never existed. And as much as I hate Kesha, her new song says perfectly what I'm trying to say in this long ass post.
Kesha-praying
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